A Shift from the ‘Shoulds’
From time to time we may reflect on our typical daily routines and habits and notice that our physical, mental, and social health is suffering somewhat and that some of them are in need of a bit of a tune-up.
• I should be going to bed earlier
• I should be exercising more
• I need to lose some weight
• I must develop some other interests
• I really need to reduce my screen time
• I wish I could set up a meditation routine
• I shouldn’t be spending so much money on useless items
And so we go about setting a new goal. And we try to engage with this new way of behaving by instilling terms like motivation, willpower, and discipline into our vernacular to spur us forward to success.
Unfortunately, this will not be enough, and we will likely find ourselves on the ‘trying and failing’ treadmill that leaves us discouraged and stuck. … and more self-critical than before.
When we are in this mindset (discouraged, stuck, and self-critical), we do not have the energy or the courage to take action and continue to work toward our goals.
What is missing?
The process of genuine and sustained habit-change needs another element. An identification of our values … what we really care about … what is of importance to us as we express our humanity … will lead not only to healthier choices but will also keep us true to those choices over time.
What is a ‘value’? Values are qualities that are at the core of our being – our essence – values provide us with purpose and meaning.
One way to begin the process of identifying what we value would be to imagine what you would like to be said about you at your eventual Celebration of Life. Loved family members and close friends who have been a significant part of your life, over time, have seen the evidence of your essence. Write down what you would hear.
The next step would be to engage in introspective pondering about what you truly care about. Give yourself an extended time to think about this as you go about your day … regularly checking in with yourself to see it you are starting to become acquainted, or re-acquainted, with what is truly important to you. Write down what you notice. The familiar phrase ‘know thyself’ is the intention here.
After doing this alone for a period of time (hopefully with some understanding), check in with a close family member or a friend and inquire of them what they view your values to be as evidenced in how you live. Write down what they share with you.
At a later time, you may find it useful to re-write your personal ‘should’ statements based on what are your core values.
One statement that others have said has been helpful is: “In a world where you could choose to have your life be about something, what would you choose?”
Just a Thought …
From Willow Grove Counselling, Inc.