Loneliness is often framed as a social dilemma that can be effectively resolved by increased interpersonal interactions with family, friends and/or joining groups. However, for those who have lost a partner, it is more complicated than just more company. Increasing social connections are important and can be beneficial during the mourning process, however, even with significant change to a limited social engagement, it is not a sufficient response to grief when the echo of a profound loss reverberates in the silence. The loss fully elaborated is the absence of a soul mate who provided companionship, emotional security, physical intimacy and an enduring rapport. For widowed individuals, the jagged edge of loneliness is deep, personal, and complex, and is often misunderstood or overlooked, especially in older adults.
The first steps in coping in the grief process begins with the task of increasing social connections. This is typically a challenge because the home, once a shared space filled with warmth, laughter and love, is now a hollow space of silence with reminders of a love that has been torn away. And yet, it is often the only place that feels safe. As one widowed woman said, “At home I can cry and talk to the pictures and not be OK.” Leaving this safe space is a difficult step. Taking the next steps to engage life beyond the safety of home is achieved by honouring courage to challenge the easy responses to anxiety.
Understanding the difference between social loneliness and emotional loneliness is essential to comprehend the widowed experience. Social loneliness refers to a lack of interpersonal social interactions or community engagement. Emotional loneliness results from losing a deep and intimate bond – referred to in Attachment Theory as the loss of a ‘secure base.’ This is harder to resolve as it calls for a longing for emotional and physical closeness and a sense of being understood at a core level.
The late psychiatrist Dr. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, noted:
The loss of a loved figure is the most distressing people can face. The deeper the attachment, the more acute the grief.
This grief often endures, not just in the heart, but in the body. The absence of touch, holding hands and hugging – leads to what researchers now refer to as ‘skin hunger’ or affection deprivation. According to research, we are wired for touch and closeness. In fact, the research supports the idea that for those who experience chronic absence of touch and closeness report high levels of stress, anxiety and depression.
In many cultures, especially Western ones, there is an unspoken understanding that intimacy and romantic longing have an age limit. Older adults who express a desire for new relationships (even the need to be touched) are judged and can be made to feel uncomfortable and this may be even more challenging with close social or family connections. For widowed individuals, particularly women, this creates an environment where emotional loneliness is a banned topic.
The silence around this issue is especially harmful. As gerontologist Dr. Louise Aronson* writes in her book, Elderhood:
We have created a society where older people are expected to grieve quietly, live gracefully, and suppress desires that make others feel uncomfortable.
*Dr. Aronson’s book uses the term ‘Elder’ to describe older people – our indigenous brothers and sisters have used this terminology for centuries which more accurately describes the course of development from childhood, adulthood to elderhood. In the indigenous culture, Elders are the sources of wisdom and emotional maturity.
With such a flawed expectation, it places a heavy burden on those who are already dealing a with a profound loss. Without an opportunity to share emotional needs or the possibility of new romantic connections, many who are widowed suffer in silence, and feel invisible and ashamed of their continued longing.
Social connections remain vital. Friendships, support groups, and intergenerational relationships can provide significant relief from the consequences of isolation. However, such interactions cannot replicate the emotional bonds lost. But we can help on this complicated journey by being a compassionate witness to the agony of grief.
So, what can be done?
Recognize that normalized grief is a long and non-linear process that does end after the support provided at the funeral or after a year of mourning. Second, challenge the ageist assumptions that elders no longer have emotional or sexual needs. Our conversations around healthy aging should include intimacy, touch, and the possibility of forming new relationships. Third, promote support systems that are holistic which includes social programming with spaces for emotional healing, companionship and therapy in the rare situations that it is needed.
Just a Thought …
