Grief often begins in a fog of disbelief. In this moment of incredulity something within us instinctively shuts down.The world becomes muffled as we engage, with the armament of detachment, from the overpowering thoughts and feelings of loss.You interact with others and make decisions, but you feel more situated in the audience rather than on the stage of life. Levels of an inner silence become the only way to exist at this point. The body and mind are saying – not yet. Not until I am stronger. This pause is an opportunity to keep that powerful wave of overwhelming feelings of loss in check. Blocking the wave’s power is the only course of action until the titrated thoughts and feelings of the loss are getting above the waves of sorry. This pause or shield is provided by the care of the heart – it is the wisdom that is needed when trying to cope with a love that was torn away. In-spite of the good intentions of the heart, controlled or muted emotions are confusing to experience – “What is wrong with me? I am not crying”. Devastation is the expected posture, but the wisdom of the heart responds with “…it’s not safe for those emotions at this point”. Numbness is not a failure but rather a cocoon.
Eventually the withdrawal from the social side of life represented by the safety of the cocoon cracks; often it happens quietly – through a memory, a scent, photo or some music or in a room that should not be silent. That is when yearning begins. If numbness had the feel of nothingness, yearning feels like everything- a wave of longing pain, and anguished love. It comes from reaching for someone who is not there – listening to our song alone. The yearning is deep in the chest and the hollowed-out stomach. It’s the body’s remembrance of what the mind already knows is absent. The yearning pain feels unbearable-this is also a transition from the pining to its full reality. And this pain is love. Pining only exists in a condition the once sustained you. You only ache for what matters.
With time, grief slowly begin to shift, often marked by an uneven path. Yearning may soften into a wave of sorrow that is less powerful but more enduring. Forgetting or moving on is not the goal of grief. Grief is carried – healthy grieving is learning to live with the eternal wave of past love. This love can be experienced in unexpected ways and places. On a walk far away from home that seems so familiar, you hear yourself select a word or a phrase that was common for the love lost or a familiar laugh that comes from someone else’s mouth. The relationship continues, just in a different form.
The integration of grief offers more than sorrow – if we are open to the changes. Empathy can deepen and values can change. You may find yourself living more authentically or holding space for others you never could before. On this new journey you are often in partnership with the love lost.
The pain of the loss doesn’t vanish. There will still be hard days, including anniversaries, holidays, and sudden and unexpected grief reactions. In the new emotional landscape, time offers grief room for joy again. We are learning that loss and love can co-exist.
Grief is not a straight path. It moves forward, circles back, deepening constantly, shifting in shape. The result of the path of grief is more understanding and strength. From numbness to yearning to meaning, grief is not the end of love but love enduring.
Just a thought …
