Moving from Helpless to Hopeful
In a phone call from a concerned husband, questions were asked regarding what he could do to support/fix his wife. He shared that she is often close to tears and is distant – seems to be frustrated and unhappy. He concluded his description of his wife by saying “I can’t seem to help. I have never felt so helpless. I don’t recognize her -something in her has left.”
This sense of being powerless leaves the husband worn out with efforts to support/fix the incredible emotional environment that surrounds this family. There is uncontrolled drama and pain in a life situation that, by anyone’s standard, has so many positive elements, including a loving family with children who do well and demonstrate love for their mother on a regular basis. Her extended family is also supportive and provide regular emotional and physical assistance to enhance her individual needs and act as relief to the stress of family life. She has been well-connected with friends and has kept them in her life throughout the marriage. These friends, just like her family, have reached out to try to fix the situation but all their efforts have failed to help her to re-engage in life.
In the course of the conversation, he shared that his wife seldom eats and when she does, it is quite limited. She cuts off the attempts by the children to share their lives with her- sometimes this is a form of disinterest. However, when she appears to have some interest, she loses her focus in the conversation and seems to be distracted. She used to love reading and writing short stories in her journal. Her fitness activities used to be very important to her. All three of these interests have disappeared.
The first step in being able to assist this concerned partner is to realize that given the presented situation he cannot ‘make her better’ without professional help. Coming to this recognition that this man needs help and that he will need to trust another person is a huge leap of faith as well as a sense of failure that ‘I can’t help alone’.
The next step would be for him to accompany her to their family physician and insist on being a part of the dialogue that works toward a diagnosis and a treatment plan. This plan could include CBT solely, or a combination of medication and CBT. There is good evidence that CBT works as well as medication in many cases.
In moving forward, she needs to feel a sense of hope that there is effective treatment; and he needs to feel a sense of hope and to understand what is his role in this process.
Just a thought …
From Willow Grove Counselling, Inc.
