Therapists often encounter clients who have the view that they need to be perfect in everything they do. Perfection can even be seen as a badge of pride for the client. Such a noble pursuit separates them from others. Doing less than perfect is fine for others, but not for them. The origin of perfectionism often evolves from highly critical parenting or a cultural environment with highly restrictive rule setting. Being perfect and nothing less is the internalized expectation.
Perfectionists often present as clients who are ‘stuck’, and unwilling to take on the next challenge in life. By avoiding moving forward, they avoid what they fear – which is being judged negatively or experiencing the disapproval of others. Even if they do move forward with the smallest action, their goal is often to avoid ‘screwing up’. This is hardly a disposition that will result in effectively addressing a challenge.
According to neuroscience, the brain of a perfectionist is highly optimized for error detection. The mind is not so much engaged in a search for various courses of action to engage in life’s challenges -rather, it is more focused on the important actions necessary to avoid criticism.
Perfectionists are immobilized because of a faulty belief system. Some assistance is needed to help to make the shift in thinking regarding the fact of the human quality of imperfection. If the philosophical stance is not convincing, maybe the wisdom of Stephen Hawking will help – he has said, “One of the rules of the universe is nothing is perfect.”
The reasonable way to operate is to set a standard of being ‘good enough’ – not only is ‘good enough ‘good enough, but it is also an opportunity to learn, to accept, to forgive, and to become better than you have been.
Application of this standard of working towards being ‘good enough’ has the following rules (from Robert Leahy):
- Set goals that are high but realistic.
- Accept mistakes as part of the process of engaging in the world-use your mistakes to inform rather than defeat you.
- Balance your negative and positive internal commentary as you accept new challenges.
- Appreciate the process and the meaning of the work – focus less on performance and more on the ‘being in the groove’ moments in challenges.
… Just a Thought